Spartacus (dir. Stanley Kubrick, 1960)

I started a post about Spartacus back when Tony Curtis died, but quailed at the positively Herculean task that was taking it to pieces bit by bit, and left it for a while! There’s an important clue about Spartacus in the opening credits, which note that the screenplay was written by Dalton Trumbo, based on a novel by Howard Fast. Not based on history, or on Appian or Plutarch; on a novel. Spartacus is about story and scale and (sometimes) emotion, but it is not about history.

With that in mind, I’m not going to pick over every little detail of historical accuracy or inaccuracy in Spartacus. I will note a few of the major ones, which are fairly well known. Spartacus wasn’t born a slave as far as we know and he was never a slave in a mine in Libya – mining slaves usually died within a year or two and no lanista in his right mind would travel all the way from Capua to Libya to buy mining slaves. Julius Caesar didn’t invade Britain until 55 BC and Britain wasn’t properly conquered AD 43, so Varinia being British is unlikely at best. Gracchus appears to have been transplanted from the 120s BC, and the patricians were a group of families, not a ‘party’. Spartacus himself was probably killed in the final battle with Crassus’ troops, and his body was never found – he wasn’t crucified with his people, though the reason for that change is fairly obvious.

It’s also worth looking at the opening prologue, a really classic bit of Hollywood History, in some detail. The full prologue is: ‘In the last century before the birth of the new faith called Christianity, which was destined to overthrow the pagan tyranny of Rome and bring about a new society, the Roman Republic stood at the very centre of the civilized world... Yet, even at the zenith of her pride and power, the Republic lay fatally stricken with a disease called human slavery. The age of the dictator was at hand, waiting in the shadows for the event to bring it forth.’

1. Christianity did not ‘overthrow the pagan tyranny of Rome’. The Western Empire was Christian for a century before it fell and the Eastern Empire, as the Byzantine Empire, continued as a Christian empire until 1453. The Empire became Christian in AD 312, but the tyranny continued just fine.

2. The ‘centre of the civilised world’ bit depends what you mean by the world. I’m sure the Romans themselves would have agreed, but I think there were some pretty impressive civilisations in Asia who would beg to differ.

3.Slavery exists in most human societies to a greater or lesser extent; banning it is the exception, not the rule. Presumably the implication is that Christianity led to its end, which is also inaccurate. Christians and Stoics recommended that slaves should be treated well, but they did not start to argue for the end of slavery until the eighteenth century.

4.The bit about the coming of dictatorship is more accurate – Spartacus’ revolt took place in between the dictatorship of Sulla and the rise of Julius Caesar. But the emphasis on it is rather nakedly influenced by 20th century politics.

The restored scene between Laurence Olivier’s Crassus and Tony Curtis’s Antoninus is interesting. The voices are very good; when you know, you can tell it’s actually Anthony Hopkins and a much older Tony Curtis but it wouldn’t be overly noticeable if you didn’t know. The scene itself seems pretty tame to modern eyes, despite the literally steamy setting. There are a couple of problems with it, though. Firstly, the whole conversation is based on the idea that some people think sexual relations between members of the same gender to be inherently immoral. Romans didn’t think that. It was considered emasculating and effeminate for a man to be the passive sex partner, but no one had a moral problem with a Roman man being the active partner with a male slave.

The other problem is that it seems pretty clear to me that this conversation is what prompts Antoninus to run off and join Spartacus. While, obviously, a male slave wouldn’t want to be sexually assaulted any more than a female slave would, Crassus is pretty clearly painted as the bad guy throughout the film, even being credited with helping to spark off the whole rebellion in the first place. In that context, the implication of Crassus, the only non-heterosexual character in the film, as a lecherous villain from whom Antoninus flees while Spartacus and everyone around him spend their whole time when they’re not fighting making babies and even have to specify that they love each other 'like my own father/son', seems distinctly off and out-dated to me.

And why is Crassus wearing a Celtic torc?! I can only assume it’s meant to look slightly effeminate.

There are elements of Roman society that are well represented in the film. Although no one, Spartacus included, actually attempted to overthrow the institution of slavery, the way slaves are treated and the interactions between masters and slaves are well represented. I especially like the emphasis on the horror of being sold on at your master’s will. I also like the scene in which Spartacus refuses Varinia, not because he’s afflicted with twentieth-century nobility, but because he doesn’t want an audience. His screams of ‘I am not an animal!’ make sense to me as something a Roman slave would feel that might eventually incite him to rebel (even as they have me expecting to hear ‘I am not a number! I am a free man!’). The institution of slavery was never questioned, but it seems very plausible that such excessive humiliation might drive someone (especially if they had not been born a slave) to feel especially aggrieved on their own behalf and to take a more violent route rather than trying to buy or win their freedom, which was the normal method. I love Varinia’s calm reply, which gives some reason for the affection that grows up between them even though they are hardly able to talk to each other again until much later.

Spartacus is a great film but I must confess, I’ve never been able to summon up the affection for it that I have for Ben-Hur. I haven’t seen all that many of Kubrick’s films, but I think the coldness with which he directs might be part of it. Spartacus and Varinia’s relationship is sweet and Spartacus, who barely speaks and seems entirely composed of generalised aggression during the first part of the film, gains a bit more character as the story goes on, but hardly anyone else among the rebels has any discernible personality and all the shots of cute children in the world can’t make up for that. Crassus and Batiatus are a bit more rounded, largely because they’re played by Laurence Olivier and Peter Ustinov, both of whom could read the phone book and make it exciting, but Marcellus is a cardboard cut-out bad guy who’s thoroughly nasty, but not very interesting. Up against Ben-Hur’s conflicted, imperfect hero and impetuous but ultimately regretful ‘bad guy’, there’s no contest.

The set-pieces are less thrilling too. The initial breakout from the ludus is well done and fairly exciting but the battles after that blend into each other a bit for me and can be rather slow, like the section where Crassus’ army take aaaaages to reach the waiting rebels. Presumably it’s supposed to build tension but I just get bored waiting for the action to start. I’m a child of the 80s and 90s, I can’t help it – I want instant gratification!

The best thing about the legendary ‘I am Spartacus!’ scene is that it reinforces a central aspect of slavery – Crassus watched Spartacus fight back at the beginning, and it was a memorable fight, so you’d imagine that even after two years he might remember something of what Spartacus looks like (especially given that chin dimple!). But he can’t remember anything. He can remember the slave who tried to kill him, but not the other – a stark reminder of how little a slave’s life could mean to a master (undercut when he does eventually remember him, but still). Plus, 6000 people die for Spartacus, which is terribly, terribly noble of them all.

There are occasional whiffs of Robin Hood in this version of Spartacus' story. Crassus calls him an 'outlaw' and all those shots of the poor people he's helping, along with the story of the beautiful woman the money-grubbing enemy takes (not to mention deliberate lack of attention to historical detail), all have me half-expecting to see Errol Flynn gallop over the hill. The difference, of course, is that Robin Hood, in most of his incarnations, is much more fun. Spartacus couldn't possibly take such a gung-ho approach when it's dealing with such serious subject matter, so it's left with noble intentions and a fair amount of posturing.

The film looks fantastic (even the matte paintings are awfully pretty) and there are some really powerful individual scenes in it, but they tend to be a bit on the episodic side. Still, it’s hard not to be moved by a film which ends with a historically accurate crucifixion of 6000 people. Plus, the maneuovering of Batiatus and escape of Varinia and the baby, and the final tearful goodbye (because apparently they're travelling north to France via the road that goes south) are fabulous, even if by this point you're desperate for the bathroom because it's soooooo loooooooong... sooo loooonnnnggggg....

Whadd'ya mean, the Romans didn't have eyelash curlers?!

Spartacus Gods of the Arena: The Bitter End

The finale of Spartacus: Blood and Sand's prequel series managed to surprise me again, which was nice, and was suitably dramatic with enormous amounts of fake blood all over the place. Less sex this week though, everyone was far too busy to have time for that.

We open with Pater's funeral, at which Not!Octavian, on behalf of Max from Neighbours, turns up to demand Gannicus, or ban Batiatus from the Games for good. Xena, meanwhile, smirks and grins evilly with such relish that Batiatus is truly blinded by grief, love or both not to see it. DSG has been mourning his wife somewhat more quietly, while Gannicus prowls around in the background.

Batiatus gives his dad the traditional Spartacus funeral, surrounded by gladiators in their tiny panties. (Other elements of the ceremony, like the death masks of their ancestors, are more accurate). Batiatus announces that he's overturning previous decisions, and no one, not even Big Silly Beard Man, is going to the mines. Then he sets the gladiators against each other to fight in honour of his father, which makes sense, as gladiatorial combat originated in funeral rites and Games continued to be celebrated in honour of the dead throughout Roman history. Crixus is still sulking about Gannicus giving up instead of getting beaten properly, and Gannicus, unsurprisingly, is fed up of hearing about it.

Gannicus tells Batiatus he wants to be sold to Max so he can off him, in revenge for Wife. Batiatus points out the sale will send him to Not!Octavian and he'll be sent off to Nola for who knows how long, but Gannicus has obviously seen Gladiator and is quite happy to wait until an opportunity to stab Max in the back presents itself.

Earring tells Xena she's welcome to come stay with him if she needs to, trying and failing not to look pervy while doing so. He has guessed that Max might not have poisoned the wine, but he suggests Not!Octavian did it instead, and everyone misses the look of panic that crosses Xena's face. Batiatus and Earring go off to scheme together and Xena re-brands Naevia to be her new body slave. Xena tells Naevia she understands why her former slave left, but can't forgive it - but she does promise that she'll only give Naevia to the best men and will preserve her viriginity for a good while.

Earring tells Max and Not!Octavian that Gannicus is being sent far away, which makes Max quite cross, and he is only prevented from skewering Earring like a kebab right there when he's assured the ship hasn't left yet. Not blessed with too many brains, that one.

Batiatus, Gannicus, DSG and Barca hang around waiting for Max to walk into their trap while Gannicus sulks that no one liked his plan. Max, Not!Octavian and Earring wander into the square and are ambushed by the Silly Beard Men, and general violence breaks out. Since they've picked a very dark back alley for this game, it's quite hard to see what's going on, but Barca seems to take a pretty nasty stab wound at one point; the man must be made of steel to have survived that. DSG gets hold of Max but Batiatus has truly gone over to the dark side and wants to torture him first because, being a Roman, he's never seen a James Bond film and doesn't realise it's best to kill people straight away if you really want rid of them.

Earring visits Not!Octavian, who is hanging by his wrists, to have a little chat. They don't seem overly keen to kill him, as they want him to claim that Max has set sail for Antioch, and Earring also has 'personal matters' (i.e. betraying Batiatus) to discuss with him.

Xena is still trying to get pregnant by Crixus, and still claiming she's only doing it out of necessity. Crixus tells her he sees her as a woman unlike any he's ever met before and she chooses to take this as a compliment. Xena demands that he get a shave and a haircut and off come the tiny panties.

Max does not take well to having the ashes of Batiatus' father literally shoved down his throat (and nor would Pater, one suspects, if he knew about it. Clearly, Batiatus is not a religious man, as proper burial was extrememly important in the ancient world, and being ingested by a torture victim probably doesn't count as a proper burial). Max tries to point out he didn't do it, but no one believes him and they stab him and then bury him alive in the foundations of the new arena.

We cut to the opening of the new arena, where Not!Octavian does his job perfectly, though he still manages to put the verbal boot in once more by calling being a lanista 'low'. He also reveals that he's transferred all his gladiators to Earring, which was not part of Batiatus' plan, and Batiatus makes a face as if he's just eaten some bad meat. Earring tells Not!Octavian not to come back while he's alive, which, since he's been offed in the main series, may mean we see him again in season 2. Earring explains to Batiatus exactly what he thinks of him and Batiatus makes the face again - you'd think, after helping him get rid of Max, he'd be more wary of Batiatus really.

There's to be an execution before the Games begin and Naevia's unfortunate friend has been caught and is about to be executed. It's a shame, as it would have been nice to see her again in season 2, but it makes the point - that running away frequently ends badly and deciding to do so is not a simple decision. She does manage to nod goodbye to Naevia before meeting her (surprisingly quick and simple, for a theatrical execution) end.

Barca is still walking, but not fighting, what with the massive gaping stomach wound he got brawling with Max and his men. Gannicus tells DSG he no longer wants to fight and die for the house of Batiatus and DSG tells him to fight in the memory of Wife instead. Crixus, who has finally got rid of the Jesus look at Xena's request, is up first.

The Games are to open with a series of fights to the death between Batiatus' and Earring's gladiators. We see a series of fights accompanied by the traditional rock soundtrack and interspersed with splashes of fake blood flung all over the camera. There's gouging, stabbing, chopping, red stuff flying out in fountains and everyone fights with a helment except Gannicus, so we can see which one he is. The director is so intent on the bloodshed in the arena, we don't even see any women in the crowd with their tits out, though we do get the odd shot of the rich guy's perverted friend doing his best impression of Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator (there are a lot more similarities to Gladiator than usual this week).

Crixus is relishing the idea that once they've got rid of all Earring's men, he will get to fight Gannicus. They then carry on fighting even though it's nightime and floodlights have not yet been invented. It's all very dramatic but not terribly practical, as there's just no way anyone would be able to see them properly. They've also broken out some really special underwear, which is longer than the tiny panties and colour coded so we can see who's on which team.

The gladiators from both houses are gathered together in the middle of the arena and then a fire is lit in a circle all around them (created using oil, presumably, since it pours nicely and petrol also hasn't been invented yet). This does at least explain how the spectators are expected to see them, though it doesn't seem very safe in a brand new, partly wooden structure in a hot, dry climate.

The music gets really quite excited at this point and brings in the choir, and the women in the audience finally get excited enough to get their tits out again. The Sily Beard Men (Big one identifiable by the bandage over his eye) start attacking each other, which doesn't make Batiatus look good at all, and then there's some very dramatic stuff with a flaming net, at which point I'm glad Mum isn't watching this series with me, as she hates fire. The circle of fire, I should add, is behaving remarkably well despite the dry sand it's been lit on. Earring and Rich Perverted guy have a good old laugh at the fact Batiatus' men keep fighting each other while heads get chopped and gladiators jump dramatically in slow motion.

Finally, only Crixus, Gannicus and one of Earring's men are left standing. Crixus gets wounded and Gannicus throws him out of the circle (miraculously, without him touching the flames) and takes on Earring's man. He then get comprehensively beaten, while the crowd get so excited they start brawling with each other. Gannicus is still alive, though, so he nods to DSG and gets up again, killing Earring's man with a spear through the mouth while the choir on the soundtrack get really, really excited. The guy's chin sorts of breaks and falls off (you can hear the cracking sound) and down he goes, and Gannicus stands triumphant in the middle of a carpet of bodies.

Gannicus has won and everyone is very happy except for Crixus and Earring. Earring suggests they should free Gannicus, which is pretty fair, actually, and the crowd go wild. Batiatus makes the bad food face again, as does Xena, and Gannicus looks like he's not quite sure what to do with himself.

Back at the ludus the next day, Xena and Batiatus sulk at the fact Gannicus actually wants to leave, but Xena cheers them by suggesting they focus on Crixus instead. Poor Barca insists he'll join Gannicus one day (sniff) and Crixus is still sulking that they haven't had a proper fight yet, so Gannicus tells him to win his own freedom and come find him - so we'll see Gannicus again in season 2. That's nice, I hadn't expected that. We see Gnomey Silly Beard Man limping in the background, reminding us that he pretty much hates everybody. DSG gives Gannicus his wooden sword, the symbol of his freedom, and he and Gannicus make plans to meet up with Wife and each other in the afterlife (I wonder if there's a designated spot for finding your loved ones in the afterlife, since everyone seems so confident of finding each other there despite what must be some serious over-population).

Gannicus walks off into CGI Capua and DSG cracks his whip Symbolically to start the day's training. Batiatus handily insists that he never wants to hear the names of Gannicus, Max or Not!Octavian again, which explains why no one's ever referred to them in the main series. Batiatus speechifies about how he looks forward to a better future, and he declares that they'll get just reward for what they've done, and we cut to the Blood and Sand shot of him and Xena lying dead (actually, Xena's only nearly dead, her mouth's still moving) on their own floor, covered in blood and holding hands, while we hear Spartacus declaring that he will see Rome tremble.

This was an effective finale, which surprised me by letting Gannicus escape alive - I thought for sure he was a goner. Presumably, this means he will turn up in season 2 at some point and possibly the truth will come out about Wife and him and even Xena, since no one's caught her yet and on TV, poisoners are always caught by someone, even if they get away with it overall (even Livia 'fessed up to Claudius). It's nice seeing a gladiator actually get properly, legally freed and the final shots are very effective - though the sense of tragedy we were made to feel at Batiatus and Xena's deaths in the first episode is undercut in this last one by the reference to Barca's hopes for freedom and Batiatus' reference to a just reward for all they've done, which does rather put you back on Spartacus' side. I wonder if Gannicus will turn out to have signed up for the army and if he will fight or even kill Crixus (though it would be more satisfying if Crixus killed or just defeated him - I like Gannicus, but I like Crixus more and it's strangely frustrating watching him itch to beat Gannicus all series and never getting to do it). All in all, a good job, though let down for me a bit by things that are daft to the point of ridiculousness - chiefly the final showdown, which was all very dramatic, but totally impractical in an era without electricity or fire extinguishers.

Now that appetites have been thoroughly wetted for season 2, it'll be interesting to see how the show fares without the structure of the ludus and the arena. Hopefully the character conflicts set up here will help to hold the thing together and the CGI artists won't get too overworked having to create actual different locations as Spartacus' group start to move around Italy...

Spartacus Gods of the Arena: Reckoning

First up, part 2 of my guest post on walking on Cadair Idris, Snowdonia, is up at Criss Crossing the Globe. And now, on to the latest episode of Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, in which I was both proved totally right and genuinely shocked (in a good way)...

Wife dreams that she and Gannicus have sex, predictably, but I'm distracted by the fact she has a tattoo on her shoulder - tattos in general are pretty ancient, but I can't remember whether Romans ever used them or not. Anyway, she then dreams that DSG kills Gannicus while they're having sex (stabbing him through the throat so that blood spurts all over her just like when vampires get staked in True Blood). She's interrupted at the part where he goes to stab her too because she's summoned to Xena, who's mourning Gaia and upset that Pater wants to wipe all trace of Gaia from existence. Wife helps her to hang on to some of Gaia's stuff.

The wide shots of CG-Capua are really quite impressive this season, as Batiatus and Earring wander down the street chatting about how much they hate Max from Neighbours. Earring is actually doing quite well which is a sure sign he's screwing Batiatus in some way and Batiatus will be pissed when he finds out.

Bigger, tougher Silly Beard Man tells smaller, Gnomy Silly Beard Man that he's starting to pick up some Latin, and therefore demonstrates his deep, deep stupidity and signs his own death warrant. Pater tells DSG to organise a contest to determine who the best gladiators are, including Gannicus even though he's still recovering from injury. DSG is really getting into his still-new Drill Sergeant role, quite literally cracking the whip over them, while the slave who's been being used as a prostitute is upset at everybody, including Naevia.

The gladiators get into their contest, using wooden swords for once, but that doesn't stop them hitting each other hard enough to send sprays of blood arcing artistically towards the camera or onto each others' shields. Rock music kicks in, to show us that we are watching Hard Men Being Hard (pun absolutely intended). Batiatus is not impressed that this is happening without him or that Pater is still insisting he divorce Xena. She is even less impressed, of course. Batiatus still hopes she can change his mind and a proper marital domestic argument ensues which ends with Batiatus really driving the metaphorical stake home when he complains she hasn't given him a child - something he immediately regrets, but too late.

DSG and Wife have a very poetic conversation about the House and the weight of its beams and their dreams and secrets and prayer and sex and so on and so forth. I'm wondering where they got all those candles from, given that they have no possessions of their own (though slaves could be given a small allowance, so maybe they bought them with that).

The contest continues on into the next day and Batiatus shows off that he knows the word 'retiarius' (i.e., that the writer of this episode knows the word 'retiarius'). Crixus has to fight some guy we've never heard of, so of course he'll win, though he still hasn't got rid of the Jesus hair. His fight is interrupted by the arrival of Max, invited by Pater. This causes Batiatus to say, 'Tullius should be hurled from cliffs and yet my father bends knee to suck on cock' which is, I think, my favourite line of pseudo-Latin (it sounds almost like it's come straight out of Martial, a poet who wrote short epigrams that were often very rude). Meanwhile, as Batiatus and Xena continue to watch the fight and just as Xena apologises again for the whole lack-of-baby thing (assumed, as Roman medicine did, it to be her fault), Crixus gets thrown to the ground with his man-parts, covered only by those small underpants-like garments the gladiators wear that I shall henceforth refer to as their tiny panties, laid out before the viewers on the balcony - this may be my favourite part of foreshadowing ever.

Pater starts giving Max the bollocking he deserves, but gets swayed by promises of future glory. Naevia and her unfortunate friend make up, but the friend, somewhat unsurprisingly, has developed a major death wish.

The fights continue, with all the spectator gladiators standing around in a square shape in their tiny panties as usual. Gnomy Silly Beard Man tells Bigger Silly Beard Man that they have to fight each other next and that he's afraid he'll be sent to the mines if he loses. Gannicus tries to release unwanted energy by whaling on Barca, who is unperturbed because nothing perturbs Barca (even the death of his beloved just made him smile a bit less than usual).

The Silly Beard Men fight each other and Gnomy, on the ground, begs for the chance to end up standing - and takes the oppportunity to blind his opponent when he gets up. We are treated to a close-up of this delightful event, with the bloody eye socket displayed for the camera in all its glory, sticky red stuff flying everywhere. In the absence of head chopping and so on, presumably a bit of extra non-fatal goriness was required.

Gannicus tells Wife he's caught her looking at him and flirts sleazily. They have this conversation with bars between them, which I suspect is Symbolic. Wife tells him she loves her husband and he sulks, just in time for DSG to appear and demand to know what was going on in the Barca-fight, when Barca almost got him.

Xena has sent for Crixus to be a sperm donor. Clearly, she's ahead of Roman medicine in the area of fertility treatment, in that she knows the man might be the problem, but since she thinks Gauls are especially fertile, not that far ahead (maybe this is the source of all the stereotypes about the French being great lovers?) She orders Crixus to remove the tiny panties and have sex with her and they have extremely uncomfortable sex which neither appear to be enjoying at all.

Batiatus doesn't catch them because he's out in the practice area arguing with Pater (perhaps having everyday conversations outside is why Pater has that nasty cough? No, it's poison). Finally fed up of the constant insults, Batiatus grabs a plank to whack him with but stops when the old guy says he loves him. It turns out Max will give them a place in the Games if they give him Gannicus. Batiatus thinks about it for a minute or two, then gives Pater the plank as a 'memento' (surely Pater must have an inkling what he was going to do, since that's a pretty weird memento).

Batiatus joins Xena in the bath and because this is Spartacus, the water only comes up to her waist, where on most other shows she would be sitting with it up to her shoulders for modesty. Batiatus tells her they must leave, since he still refuses to divorce her. They then have a really sweet moment where they just touch heads which is much more tender than all the sex.

Crixus and Gannicus were equal in the contest and need to fight to decide who's Champion, but Pater has already decided to sell Gannicus to Max, despite DSG's objections. Pater eventually agrees that if Gannicus wins, he can stay, but if Crixus wins, Gannicus goes. DSG runs straight to Gannicus to tell him and then the fight begins. Batiatus tells Pater they're off but Pater tells him to stay and watch the contest first and admits that actually Batiatus was right about both Crixus and Gannicus. Down below, blood is flying about all over the place and since they both have much the same hair, it's really hard to tell who's been hurt.

Naevia gives her friend some of Gaia's stuff and tells her to run away - a risky business, as the penalties were horrific if caught. She'll either be caught and we'll see her horribly punished, or she'll turn up in season 2, since she promises they'll meet again - I'm hoping to see her again in season 2 myself.

Pater's still coughing and asking for water, and Gannicus is getting distracted by sex flashbacks in the middle of the fight, which is never good. Luckily he then gets that burst of energy people always get from seeing the object of their affection in the crowd in sports movies, but at that point the flashback gets to the bit where Wife doesn't want him and he lets Crixus whack him upside the head with his shield and surrenders. Crixus isn't fooled and wants to know why he dropped his guard but of course Gannicus doesn't tell him.

Suddenly, Pater drops to the ground coughing and spluttering (it's poison I tell you!). Batiatus runs off to get herbs and DSG joins him, and the most Antipodean-sounding Roman doctor you've ever heard leaves Pater with Xena, which is a really silly move. Wife leaves them completely alone when she asks to be allowed to go and say goodbye to Gannicus. Xena starts telling Pater how much she loves Batiatus, and Pater feels bad about all the being mean to her and says,

'Tell me you're not the serpent I thought you to be'

She replies,

'I am not. I'm far worse'

Then follows an absolutely brilliant scene where Xena reveals that she's been Up To No Good all along. Ever since her marriage, she couldn't stand the way Pater treated Batiatus so she's been poisoning the wine to make him sick (Hah! I knew it!). In fact, she made him sick enough to move away in the first place. She's now put enough in the latest wine, which was sent by Max, to kill him. Her grin at this point is fantastic. Her plan is that it will be obvious he was poisoned, and Batiatus will blame Max and take vengeance - thus avenging Gaia. It's a fantastic scene and Xena really becomes almost Livia-like in her Machiavellian scheming (high praise from me I assure you).

Meanwhile, Gannicus tells Wife he couldn't stand being around her and chose to leave in the grand tradition of superheroes who Leave Because They Love You So Much, so of course she tells him she feels the same and they start to have sex - but are brought to an abrupt halt when Wife starts choking up blood because she's been drinking from the same wine as Pater. Poor Gannicus is left with her spluttering blood all over the place.

Pater tries to choke Xena (he's tough, that one) but of course he's far too weak to succeed. He dies crawling dramatically across the floor in a pool of blood. Wife, despite being equally bloodied, is in a more graceful traditional tragic heroine position, cradled in Gannicus' arms.

Gannicus carries Wife's body out to Xena, who had no idea the slaves had made off with the wine (silly her - all waitresses/servants/slaves drink up the leftover wine, she should have known that). So Xena is genuinely horrified and orders Gannicus not to tell DSG Wife was with him. Batiatus and DSG return to find everyone in uproar and all the linen covered in some blood stains that probably won't come out. Just about every male character roars in a grief-stricken fashion at some point, and the wailing woman Cleolinda refers to as Our Lady of Soundtrack Sorrow oohs and aahs away in the background. End of episode.

This was a brilliant episode, easily the best yet, of either series. We all knew Wife wasn't going to make it to the end of the series, but I'd assumed that DSG would catch her and Gannicus at it and she'd kill herself, or some such. Her sudden, horrible death comes almost out of nowhere and is both shocking and sad. Xena reveals herself to have been the cold-hearted bitca we all knew she was from the very beginning, though her grief for Gaia, love for Batiatus and horror at Wife's death are all real, so she still retains some sympathy. She's most fun as a character, though, when she's grinning evilly at Pater while she does the traditional bad-guy 'you're-dying-anyway-so-why-don't-I-tell-you-and-the-audience-the-whole-story' thing. Batiatus is still much softer than his main series character but presumably he'll let his dark side out when he goes after Max next week. Every character this week felt fully rounded and I even almost welled up in a couple of places. Let's hope next week's prequel finale will be just as good!

Spartacus Gods of the Arena: Beneath the Mask

Straight into the arena for this episode, which is fun. Someone gets his fingers cut off within the first two minutes and I'm honestly not sure if he's a competitor or a spectator (I was looking at the computer). Batiatus is signing the praise of retiarii, which is always fun - if you're making a TV show or film with gladiators in it and you want to show off your research, a retiarius is the easiest type of gladiator to include, because they're fairly unique to Rome and easily identifiable, with their net and trident. Batiatus and Pater actually seem to be getting on reasonably well, which can't be a good sign. Pater has got to be dead by the end of this episode, surely. (Edit: apparently not. He's got some impressive staying power, that man).

The Silly Beard Men are still yabbering away in Syrian and I think the chief Silly Beard Man may be Gnomy Guy from the main series, though I honestly can't remember. He apparently has the ability to chop right through an iron helmet, which I think may make him a superhero of some kind.

Not!Octavian introduces his new guys while Batiatus and Pater carp at each other. Batiatus refers to the opening Games of the new arena, which we saw under construction in the opening shots - I was under the impression that arenas during this period were always temporary, but I suppose this could be a new, temporary arena.

Gaia threatens to leave until Pater is out of the way, which upsets Xena, who has clearly grown extremely fond of her (she really ought to go off and find Gabrielle instead, who is much nicer and less... um... less). Gaia finds some random bloke from Rome (Petronius) who doesn't seem to remember her but who does remember the reputation of Xena's household - she really ought to just go into the madam/prostitution business and have done with it, she's clearly a much better madam than Batiatus is a lanista, by reputation anyway. This rather upsets Xena, but Gaia just sulks that he's more interested in Xena's slaves than in her and Batiatus will do anything for business.

Gannicus is sulking because he's not allowed to fight and Wife is avoiding him. He thinks the way to deal with this is to go on about how much he thinks about her, in which he is sadly mistaken. DSG, meanwhile, is perturbed that Gannicus will not obey him, but Wife gives him a pep talk and then they do the sex, which I think must be DSG's first sex scene, and it's bizarrely brief - does Peter Mensah have a no nudity clause in his contract or something? Everyone else is on display all the time. Not that I mind, it just stands out a bit when everyone else seems to be in a different movie.

Pater still has that nasty cough, which I still think must be the result of some slow-acting poison. He agrees to go to Naples with Batiatus so they can choose a champion together, which gets him out of the way so Xena can do her madam thing.

DSG lets on to Silly Beard/Gnomey Man that they only keep him around to translate for the other Silly Beard Man, which I guess is why the taller one doesn't survive to the main series (jealousy can be a terrible thing). Crixus tries to bond with Barca over the fact he killed Barca's worse half, which doesn't seem like something that should work, but somehow it does.

At Naples, Batiatus insists that Thracians are too difficult to control, which almost made me laugh out loud (Spartacus was Thracian). Naevia's friend is upset over the abuse visited on her in the previous episode and I suspect she'll kill herself before the series is out, while Xena is blackmailing Wife and looking much less guilty about everything (and I suspect Wife will kill herself before the end as well. Or maybe I'm just thinking of Rome...). Earring has come along as well, to offer moral support, or immoral support, or something. Xena offers everyone present any gladiator or slave to do whatever they want, which is a bad idea as at that moment Max from Neighbours turns up.

It turns out Pater doesn't approve of Xena, which explains a lot, though if he felt that strongly about it he should have forbidden the marriage, which as paterfamilias he could have done. He has also worked out that Batiatus is Up To Something but is hoping to talk him around to his point of view while in a fresh place. He's fed up of travel now, though, and has decided to go homes and embrace a closer future with his son. Dum dum duuuuummmm.

Xena initiates a masquerade for her guests with masks representing the gods (because crazy sex parties are always cooler with masks) and Max decides he wants to challenge Gannicus which means he's either really stupid or much handier with a sword than he's letting on. DSG warns Gannicus to make sure he loses without injuring Max, which doesn't please Gannicus at all. Gannicus swallows his pride and plays along, however, and even surrenders to Max when he could have beaten him, and only Xena's intervention prevents Max from killing him. Gannicus becomes sufficiently frustrated to nag Wife about how he feels about her and grab a snog, which doesn't make anything better for anyone.

At this point, we get into our first proper, full on Roman orgy of this series. I'm amazed it took them three and a half episodes to get to it. How on earth Naevia escapes all this still, according to Xena, untouched by the main series is a mystery. Silly Beard Man starts promising the services of his taller, non-Latinate friend, partly out of necessity and presumably partly out of revenge for his friend's greater success in the arena. Xena, Gaia and Earring are keeping an eye on Max, who is acting suspiciously by not drinking or having sex with anyone, so Gaia takes him off for a little talk, and it turns out they're childhood friends. Then they do the sex as well, while simlutaneously trying to blackmail each other, as far as one can tell (I think he wins).

Luckily the orgy is finished before Pater and Batiatus get home but Max decides to confront Xena is the dark, suddenly windswept halls which have abruptly acquired something of a Gothic feel. This, it turns out, is because Max has murdered Gaia, either over some past hurt or because she has been supporting Batiatus' house - it's not entirely clear which.

The net result of all this is that Pater discovers everything and somehow blames Xena, who is determined to gain vengeance (oh please, let her put on a metal brestplate and brunette wig and do Max in with that boomerang spinning disc thing she uses in Xena: Warrior Princess). You can't help feeling genuinely sorry for her, since whatever else she's done, her friend has just been horribly murdered in her house. Pater explains he let Batiatus marry her because he thought it would keep him happy, but that lack of an heir (among other things) means she must be got rid of. This is completely reaosnable for a Roman, as fertility problems were thought to be entirely down to the woman and it was normal to divorce a woman if she couldn't have a son, though not everyone did so - there are examples of couples staying together without children, Augustus and Livia being the most famous.

The death of Gaia is surprisingly tragic given she was such a over-the-top character, but Xena really loved her, and Batiatus' reaction to his father's suggestion shows how much he really loves Xena as well. This prequel series is really doing well at making you feel for Batiatus and Xena and sympathise with them - not enough to excuse their awful behaviour but enough to make you feel some sympathy for them. They really have turned their house into a brothel now, though, which does make some sense - selling the sexual services of gladiators was certainly something that went on - but is a bit OTT. Still, this was an intriguing episode that moved the plot along nicely - and we could hardly go through a whole series of Spartacus without an orgy, could we?!

Spartacus Gods of the Arena: Paterfamilias

This episode, like the previous one, continues to take the horrible things inflicted on various slave characters seriously, which is good, but rather depressing. We also get a couple of fights in the arena, but even these are a bit low on mad gushing fountains of blood and actually not quite as powerful as DSG's melodramatic rain-battle in the previous episode - I get the sense the show is saving itself up for the finale...

Batiatus gives his troops - sorry, gladiators - an inspiring speech and declares DSG to be Doctore, and appears to give Gannicus some kind of promotion. Everyone is inspired.

The abbreviated English is all over the place now, which is kind of cool - though it is reaching the point where I expect people to start talking about how 'I shall stick sword of mine into the belly of my opponent and then drink wine of Batiatus' or even 'blood of the having-been-stabbed gladiator pours by/before a group of males which may or may not include some women', just to make it sound really like Latin.

Batiatus is in a good mood, which given he's having a threesome with two beautiful women, has bested his business enemies and has a magically swift-healing face (the bruises are gone, there's just one scratch left) is not really surprising. The mood is slightly dented by the arrival of his father, who does not appear to be remotely amused (perhaps he's wondering why he, an Antipodean, has managed to produce a Scottish son).

Batiatus' father is very cross, and Xena flies into a panic, hoping that a fancy dinner will somehow placate him (and correctly pointing out the power of the paterfamilias over them all). Meanwhile, the Silly Beard Men, having received the Mark, experience the joy of initiation rituals and overreact, while Crixus appears to be auditioning for an Easter film, running around with an enormous plank of wood on his shoulders. He still hasn't cut his hair and beard, which increases the sense that he's about to be crucified - presumably he's going to have an Important Haircut when he dispatches Gannicus in the last episode. All the gladiators, and Wife as well, seem to like Pater very much, possibly because he wasn't in the habit of making them rape each other or fight to the death on a rich person's whim.

Pater throws his support behind DSG when Barca starts kicking off, so Barca and his worse half turn their attention to sexually harrassing Crixus, which displeases the Silly Beard Men. Pater meets up with Max from Neighbours and Not!Octavian who as good as accuse Batiatus of the whole Not!Octavian-beating-nicking-Varus'-business plot from last episode. Pater happily goes along with them and doesn't seem to have enquired what exactly happened to Batiatus' face that prompted all this, which introduces me to the novel experience of feeling sorry for Batiatus.

Gannicus gives Crixus a pep talk and gives him a tip on how to best Barca and/or his worse half (that'll come in handy later). Gaia starts reminiscing about Gannicus' sexual prowess and Xena shows an unusual degree of humanity by suggesting that they possibly shouldn't discuss Wife's emotionally traumatic rape in front of her. At this very moment, Varus turns up with a friend wanting to use the household as a brothel-come-live-pornography-factory and threatens to take his business elsewhere if they don't oblige so Xena, trying to avoid putting Gannicus and Wife through that again, offers a gladiator and a virgin (both the offered virgins actually look reasonably happy about it at this point - either they fancy every gladiator in the ludus or they're confident the rich pervert will pick someone good. Later developments suggest the latter). Clearly whatever happens in the rest of this series is so traumatic that it hardens Xena and Batiatus into the virtual pimp and madam they've become by the main series, as she genuinely looks uncomfortable with this arrangement.

Earring is cross with Batiatus for plotting without him and Pater has made a deal with Max and Not!Octavian which involves Gannicus not appearing in the Games, off with a fake injury, and others being paired against each other - Barca against someone random, and Crixus against Barca's worse half (given the absence of said worse half from the main series, we can guess how that will end).

Crixus. I think this might be his Determined Look (not to be confused with Constipated, though the two may be quite similar).

Varus' hideously creepy friend (who has no virgin slaves in his house, and it's not hard to guess why not) examines Naevia and Doomed Slave, who is obviously going to be chosen because Naevia was still a virgin at the beginning of the main series - though given the way she's sexually assaulted here before he chooses, she hardly gets off scot-free. He then gives directions to the pair of them in a dark and creepy room while explaining why he picked the grossest gladiator in the ludus to the weeping girl. I can only assume he's going to die really horribly at some point because he's one step down from Satan on a sliding scale of evil.

The Silly Beard Men have eaten Barca's worse half's pigeons, which results in a brawl in the canteen (sadly lacking in sloppy food to throw around in a food fight). Crixus refuses to join in because he doesn't yet wear the Mark (or, maybe, because he's the only sane one there and has no desire to join in an extra beating). Pater and Batiatus interrupt to give them their instructions for the Games, which the gladiators then choose to discuss while wandering around naked, treating us to excellent views of Barca's backside and Crixus' manhood. Clearly we'd seen too many breasts and not enough of the last chicken in the shop so far this episode. Gannicus continues the Wise Mentor advice, possibly hoping to die nobly fighting a monster on the cliff edge or something equally apporpriate to a Mentor character.

Xena is not happy about all the pimping being in vain and starts pouring Pater wine - I'd be careful about drinking that if I was him. He declares that the fight between Crixus and Barca's worse half will be a test of which of him and Batiatus is a better lanista. And with that, we finally get to the Games themselves, where Crixus gets one last pep talk from Batiatus - the man must be running entirely on the power of inspirational speeches, since we've seen much more of that than of actual combat training (which mostly consisted of verbal and sexual abuse from Barca).

The first fight begins and Barca nearly gets the audience, then throws his opponent right at them before Varus grants life - which leads to boos, thus ensuring the death of Barca's worse half, while Pater keels over in a fit of coughing (bet it was that wine). Max and Varus insist that he address the crowd while standing right on the edge of a high platform and I half expect them to push him off. The crowd boos Crixus (who is wearing fabulous Mercury-wings on his helmet) and cheers Barca's worse half, though they can't be that excited, as no one has got their tits out yet. Barca's worse half's helmet has horns on it that make him resemble the Highland cow from Neverwhere.

Crixus bleeds early, which is Rule of Television No, 702: In any fight, the eventual winner must bleed first so that it looks like he's in trouble, to make sure the rest of the fight is sufficiently tense. We go into slow motion as Barca's worse half nearly gets him, and Crixus gets that final burst of energy always seen in these things, jumps up, follows Gannicus' advice by making sure his opponent loses the spear and does for his opponent in one stab wound, without even needing audience approval. Said opponent's last words are 'Barca has taught you well', which is sort of sweet. Crixus does that champion arms-in-the-air thing he did so often in the main series and back at the ludus, he gets the Mark at last. Gaia points out that Crixus might be quite attractive to Xena and Barca tells him he fought well, which is short for 'I'm pretty upset that you killed my partner, but I know you only did what you had to and you're clearly pretty handy with a sword, so let's be sort-of friends'.

Pater declares that all the excitement has persuaded him that he should stay put until he dies, which gets him a narrow-eyed Plotting Look from Batiatus. I'd recommend deadly nightshade Batiatus, I'm pretty sure that's one of the tasteless and quick poisons.

The introduction of Batiatus' father introduces an interesting new dynamic into this episode, but the really interesting parts are Xena's reactions to her increasingly seedy and abusive use of her slaves and gladiators. She looks uncomfortable and slightly ashamed, but remains determined to do what she has to to keep Varus' business, and her expression in response to Gaia's comments about Crixus is a nice bit of foreshadowing of their relationship (which, of course, she somehow convinced herself was mutually affectionate in the main series). We can see how she goes from a relatively normal person who only slept with her husband in the first episode of the prequel series to the madam and adulteress she has become by the main series clearly, hardening herself to the perversion she's facilitating while starting to see the attraction of gladiatorial sex for herself. (As a sign of her more innocent outlook, she also has much nicer and more natural-looking wigs in this prequel series). Whether Batiatus' transition from ambitious man to cutthroat pimp and murderer will be as well dealt with remains to be seen - there's something rather pantomime villain about that last look he gave his father that suggests his transformation may be rather less subtle.

Spartacus Gods of the Arena: Missio

Like the first season episode 'Great and Unfortunate Things', this episode was much lower on sex and violence than usual and rather more depressing (not to mention difficult to be amused by). As with that episode, this almost certainly makes it a better show, but you can't help feeling a tiny bit of guilty disappointment, because when you sit down to be amused by ridiculous levels of public nudity and people being hacked up in interesting ways and instead are made to really care about the horrible tortures being visited on the characters, it can be a bit of a sobering experience.

Batiatus is still alive, just about, but his appearance is now scaring small children after the almighty beating inflicted on him by Max from Neighbours' minions. (I'm reminded of Max's character in Neighbours, and temporarily amused by the idea of Max suddenly giving up on the whole responsible single father thing and getting in to the hired hit men/organised crime business instead. That could been an interesting development for the character - and actually, I wouldn't put it past Neighbours when it's in an overly melodramatic mood). We skip to a week later, at which point the girl from Hustle comfortingly reassures Batiatus that his wounds look 'less gruesome' (in fact, you can barely see them, at least from the back, though the bare bottom randomly on display was a little distracting). His face is still a bit bruised, though.

Max and Not!Octavian are enjoying some good plotting while our old friend with the fabulous earring goes pot-shopping (actual pots, not drugs, though knowing this show, probably both). Max insists on accompanying Earring to visit Batiatus.

Hustle-girl fancies Crixus, which Naevia clearly doesn't yet since she doesn't know his name. Hustle-girl flirts with a slave-girl we don't know (who is, presumably, doomed). DSG, Crixus and Gannicus engage in gladiator-style pissing contests, which are of course a bit bloodier than the regular kind.

We discover that Silly Beard Man speaks a different langauge, which makes a pleasant change. He speaks it to another man with a silly beard, so presumably they are from the same place, and everyone else must be speaking Latin. Historically, after the Spartacan revolt, lanistas stopped putting gladiators who spoke the same language or were from the same place together, because one of the reasons the revolt was as successful as it was was that the rebels could all communicate. That hasn't really come up in the series though, possibly because the makers don't think blood and tits go very well with subtitles (they obviously haven't seen enough Fellini). There really ought to be more languages around, but they are making up for this lack by going all out on the abbreivated English. I think 'Close f**king mouth' is my favourite short-English-Latin-thing so far.

Batiatus reminisces about his father's greatest gladiators, so of course, we get to see them all (they all have their own colour palette, it's like a rainbow of gladiators. It reminds me of a picture book I absolutely loved as a child, about a little girl who goes on an adventure in a rainbow and visits a series of brightly coloured lands with various exciting flora and fauna - only this version has fewer cute animals and more fake blood.). Earring tries to persuade Batiatus to sell Gannicus to Max, and they argue, but Xena gets between them. It emerges that Quinctilius Varus is coming to Capua, looking for gladiators (not, presumably the Quinctilius Varus, but his grandfather). Batiatus is feeling the strain and decides that all gladiators that surrender will be sent to the mines (a worse fate than the arena, since the work is constant and there's no opportunity to win your freedom, plus the silver was worth more than the slaves so slaves died quickly).

Gannicus boasts that he would beat and kill DSG if it came to it, because he has never seen the Scream movies and doesn't realise that saying things like this gets you an automatic one-way ticket to Deadtown. This worries DSG's wife, while Gannicus feels that, as they are slaves, there's no point worrying about the future since they can't make any decisions, which is a fair point and explains his cheerful demeanor and lack of resentment over his position. After passing Barca snogging in the corridor, presumably to remind us that he's still alive, Crixus tells Gannicus he wants to become champion and Gannicus points out this means he must never lose, which is fairly obvious given Batiatus' current mood.

These are the smiles of two people who don't realise they're in a TV show and are therefore guaranteed much misery for daring to look this happy

At this point, having seen Barca's boyfriend go down to his knees but nothing more than that, most viewers are probably starting to wonder what happened to all the sex. This is a good thing, as the episode is all about plot and dialogue and character, but I'm not 100% convinced everyone in the audience will see it like that.

Once again in the spirit of pointing out the obvious, Batiatus has to explain the difference between slaves and recruits to his current Doctore. He then compares Xena to Venus and she tells him he's blaspheming, which is nonsense, Roman religion didn't work that way. If comparing beautiful women to goddesses was blasphemy, there would be no time to punish murderers, robbers and so on because the courts would have been completely tied up prosecuting poets.

Hustle-girl has decided to try to snare Varus as a husband while Batiatus' minion distracts Not!Octavian from a planned meeting with him (and they're really getting carried away with the abbreviated English now, everyone seems to have entirely forgotten that English actually has a definite article 'the' and indefinite article 'a', even if Latin doesn't. What I really want is for someone Greek to turn up and start speaking in a ridiculously verbose manner with no abbreviations at all, to reflect the fact that Greek does have definite and indefinite articles). Batiatus' minions do for Not!Octavian as Max had done for him, though they nearly get carried away and kill him - luckily Silly Beard Man has more self-control, but the minion who let the guy see his face gets his throat quite spectacularly cut. No simple line of gushing blood is enough for Silly Beard Man, he practically rips out the whole of the guy's neck. He's obviously missing the usual level of blood and guts as well.

Varus appears and he looks sensible and fairly sane so far - that won't last. Xena and Hustle-girl persuade him to come to their villa where they ply him with wine and all three of them convince him that Not!Octavian's gladiators are rubbish, Batiatus' are much better, and wouldn't he like to hire the men he needs from Batiatus instead. Varus asks for a demonstration and Hustle-girl suggests Crixus should fight Gannicus, even though he's not even marked as a gladiator yet (and is sporting a pronounced limp). Varus then insists that, rather than using wooden practice swords as even Batiatus points out is only practical, they should fight with proper swords.

Considering all we've seen so far this episode is a brief glimpse of Batiatus' bottom, Barca kissing his boyfriend, one cut throat and a few memories, I was expecting this fight to be quite something. It's actually fairly tame, though, since both of them have to survive this episode - Hustle-girl saves Crixus, but annoys Batiatus by focussing more on her marriage plans than on gladiator-shopping. Xena encourages him to trust her, which is bound to end badly as well. Though I guess I should stop saying that, since this is all ultimately leading to the bloodbath we saw at the end of season 1 anyway.

Batiatus takes his temper out on his Doctore and fires him from the position, then tells Gannicus he has to go do whatever Varus wants him to do. Varus decides he wants to watch Gannicus have sex with DSG's wife because he's too tired to do it himself. Given that they've allowed her to get married, Batiatus and Xena actually look a little embarrassed about this, not that that stops them. They're clearly much less into rape and sexual abuse at this point than they would be by the time of the main series. Meanwhile, the old Doctore gives the mark to the Silly Beard Men (Syrians apparently) without the oath, and when DSG challenges him, picks a fight with him with the steel swords still lying around from the earlier demonstration.

Feeling the need to make up for lost time, the director now gives us close-up shots of Gannicus' backside while he shags DSG's wife, and Varus masturbates, all while DSG has an especially dramatic showdown with the old Doctore in the rain which ends with him spearing the guy just as everyone else reaches their happy moment. That's two episodes in a row that have put together images of sex and fighting - perhaps they needed more time for plot and dialogue but didn't want to lose either sex or violence, so started just putting them all together... To be fair, though, this scene is rather well done and although the rain, darkness, cliff edge etc in the fight is a bit over the top, it works on a dramatic and emotional level.

DSG has to 'fess up to Batiatus, but Batiatus acknowledges that it was his fault really and agrees to send his wife along 'when she's finished her duties'. Which currently consist of getting dressed and feeling guilty while Batiatus orders her not to tell DSG. She goes away to wash, and she would be sitting in the bottom of the shower looking miserable if the Romans had had showers.

Hustle-girl, meanwhile, joins Xena and Batiatus for a threesome and the director tries to use the last minute or so to make up for the unusually low amount of sex in the rest of this episode. The final scene, though, belongs to DSG and his wife both feeling guilty, as she reassures him that they do what they have to do in that house.

There was an astonishing lack of either blood or tits in this episode, by Spartacus' standards. This series is also taking the issue of slaves forced to have sex with their masters or with each other much more seriously than season 1 did. Where, previously, we've watched Batiatus casually rape slaves while chatting to Xena, Naevia getting Xena started and various slaves ordered to have sex with each other and it's been presented almost as background noise, here the dilemma of a slave in such a position is fully explored and the implications for DSG's wife are shown to be serious and traumatic. This was a good, solid, dramatic episode and the series seems to be heading in the direction of some quality drama - though if they're going to become too serious, they're going to need to start putting some jokes in soon, or it'll start to get really depressing.

Spartacus Gods of the Arena: Past Transgressions

Just when the gap between series of True Blood was becoming too much to bear and we were all left alone in the dark, crying out for a good drenching of blood and gore spliced in with lots of shots of people's naked bodies doing all sorts of enjoyable-looking things with each other - Spartacus is back! Hurray!

Well, sort of. Season 2 was delayed while star Andy Whitfield received treatment for cancer, so in the meantime this prequel series, set in Batiatus' gladiator school, was made. Tragically, Whitfield's cancer has recurred and the part has now been recast for Season 2, which will go into production soon.

Since we know so little about the historical Batiatus and anything we do know was covered in the series proper, this is basically pure fiction, which is rather fun. The practical aspects of ancient Rome are one the things Spartacus usually does reasonably well (horribly obvious greenscreen work aside) so this promises to be a particularly satisfying slice of almost-Roman life.

We open with a flashback to Batiatus, Xena and the others' sticky ends from the Spartacus: Blood and Sand season 1 finale, followed by some choice moments of throat-cutting, head chopping and general blood-spilling from the series as a whole. Batiatus' end is given a sense of genuinely epic tragedy, his ambitions finally destroyed in a bloodbath that also spells doom for his entire household. This is, of course, rather necessary to make us care about seeing exactly how he ended up in such a position, but it really is very well done and only the flashback to Barca's and Mrs Spartacus' deaths remind us how throughly he deserved it by the time it came around.

And then - half a face! This gladiator didn't even bother to aim for the neck. We must be Quite Far Into The Past, because the colour has gone a bit green, Xena has her own hair and Batiatus is wearing some kind of hair piece. The white-haired guy from season 1 is a friend of Batiatus and sporting some truly fabulous earrings. Neither are running the show - they appear to be providing gladiators but a blond guy who looks a bit like the older Octavian from season 2 of Rome is running the show. Xena is with them, watching, because this show is still very much not interested in the idea that women could not sit quite so near the action during a gladiatorial show, accurate or not. I must say, the young make-up on all of them is pretty impressive - I wonder if they're all botox'ed up to the hilt.

We're introduced to Batiatus' current (i.e. past) champion gladiator, who has a long name beginning with G (Gannicus, according to IMDB - is that a Roman name? It's unusual, anyway, and he's supposed to be Celtic...) and whom I shall therefore refer to as G.

Tits! Both out at once, less than five minutes in. Not!Octavian is unimpressed when Batiatus' gladiator does for his own No. 1 in a scene reminscent of that bit in The Addams Family where Wednesday and Pugsley perform the final scene of Hamlet in the school talent show. At which point the rock music kicks in, and everyone who hasn't just been bloodily slaughtered is having a rather good time.

Il Doctore isn't here yet either, rather a slightly shorter and stockier New Zealander is training G. I hope Crixus and our own DSG (Drill Sergeant Guy) turn up soon. This one talks about hubris, our Greek word of the week, which I believe was mentioned before - are the writers running out of Latin/Greek vocabulary?

As Xena and Batiatus wander around the streets, people are being mercilessly flogged as if they were auditioning for a Mel Gibson film and a whole row of naked slave girls are waiting to be sold. This is actually reasonably accurate, unlike the tits on display in the arena, though, I hope, a bit less of a turn-on. (Possibly. Don't tell me, I don't want to know).

I hope they're not going to keep up the Matrix-green colour palette all series long. I can't see the blood properly.

Next, Batiatus and Not-Yet-White-Haired Guy have a chat while using the loo which is, again, entirely accurate. Spartacus is a programme that strives even more than the others (and Rome and I, Claudius went quite far with this) to present Rome as Other, as a mad, violent place totally unlike our own society. In this episode, they're doing this unusually well. Most shows (including, frequently, this one) depict Romans engaged in all sorts of extreme and sometimes horrific behaviour in an attempt to make them seem exotic and wild, when in reality, some behaviour is considered beyond the pale in most societies. This, however, is a perfect example of a way in which Roman society really was different - and rather less delicate - than ours, since this is a perfectly accurate representation of Roman toilet facilites (and the same goes for the line of naked slave girls. The whipping I'm not so sure about but crucifixions were, of course, carried out in public so that's probably fair too). (If you want to know more about Roman toilets, see Caroline Lawrence's posts on them here and here).

Thanks to Caroline for this screenshot of the sponge stick and toilets - the sponge stick having just been used, so it's being handed to a slave for cleaning

Next up, we're introduced to Crixus! Yay! He's got long hair and beard, so he clearly hasn't got himself properly trained up yet. Batiatus buys him.

We haven't had a sex scene yet and we've got all the way past the first commerical break, so the slaves have a quick orgy of sorts to make up for that. This is intercut with gladiator training because sex and violence can be metaphorically related, you know (I almost expect someone to sprout fangs and drain the nearest girl's blood at any minute).

G has a lady-friend who seems much more cheerful than most of the non-Xena women on this show so far. And a-ha! Doctore! He's off sick apparently, with some exciting scars that have somehow disappeared by season 1 of the main show. And he has a name, but I'll stick to DSG, it's quicker to type. He is apparently married to G's lady-friend, so that'll end well (note saracsm mode). It's a shame that after all the exciting accuracy of the toilets, we have to have married slaves - slaves could not marry, and although they might have relationships, their masters could forbid these (as we know from season 1!). The aim seems to be to present DSG as less Other than his surroundings - he is One of Us, with a lovely wife who is presumably going to cheat on him, which will help us to understand and sympathise with him.

We also see Naevia, looking happier than usual as well, and Xena appears to have a genuinely pleasant and sane (and brunette) friend - which apparently means we need a lesbian subtext to their friendship. Considering Xena liked using Naevia to get her started in season 1, this actually makes sense, as she is presumably bisexual, though that's not a thread that was really followed in season 1. We discover that Xena and Batiatus have recently got rid of Batiatus' irritating father. Xena would apparently never sleep with any man except her husband, 'let alone a filthy gladiator.' Ah. Irony.

Crixus bonds with some fellow gladiators who say they were eight of them when training began and now there are three. This is really daft. It was bad enough when season 1 depicted Batiatus throwing away valuable gladiators on party favours and rich people's whims, but making them train so hard that more than 50% of them die is utter nonsense. Sure, that was his right as their owner, but slaves are still valuable property and you'd have to be as rich as Crassus to throw them away so easily. It's no wonder Batiatus never fulfilled his ambitions.

Ooh, there's an exciting cliff-shot. It sort of looks like Saruman's army should attack it.

Xena's friend spots Xena and Batiatus having sex, tits flying everywhere, and masturbates to it while standing up in the corner of the room, entirely unnoticed, which is something of an acheivement, though they were probably too preoccupied to notice any noise she made anyway.

Crixus is practicing with a man sporting a very, very silly beard. DSG is fighting Barca, who has also been raised from the dead thanks to the flashback. Not!Octavian accuses Batiatus of having no business sense, which is true, but in this particular case (that of Crixus) Batiatus is actually right for once. Not!Octavian has a creepy blond accomplice who looks very familiar for some reason and who I think is probably evil... (Later: oh my goodness it's Max from Neighbours! Not sure why I would think he's evil on that basis, I quite liked Max, though I seem to remember it all going a bit pear-shaped with him shortly before I gave up on the show).

Batiatus explains to DSG that he wants to replace his current Doctore because the previous one is his father's man and implies there might be a promotion to Doctore in it if he gives him some good advice. Advice given, the immediate reward is an extra conjugal visit (if you take out the 'wife' part, this is probably a bit more accurate - allowing slaves to form sexual relationships would cheer them up and produce more slaves for you, so it makes sense). This means we see DSG having sex, which if I recall correctly didn't happen in the main series - clearly, someone thought he deserved a bit of action too.

G is standing on the edge of the cliff singing drunkenly about his cock. DSG tries to persuade him that this probably isn't a good idea, but sadly he doesn't go plunging off the cliff as I'd rather hoped - he's only been around for half an hour and I'm already sick of this guy. Luckily, the whole point of this series to to see how Crixus replaces him, so he'll get his comeuppance eventually.

Batiatus and Not!Octavian have a little grudge match in the street, which someone points out is not really proper but they do it anyway. G is set against a huige guy whose armour is, despite this, too big for him, called Otho. Batiatus has rather stupidly boasted that G could beat any of Not!Octavian's men blindfolded, so G is forced to do just that and does surprisingly well (endearing himself to me a bit more in the process). Unfortunately, DSG's wife is rather impressed by this as well. Slimy peroxide blonde guy is impressed and Batiatus' fortunes are looking up at last, or so it seems.

Barca's boyfriend obviously hasn't turned up yet because he's snogging an older man, who will therefore almost certianly die horribly soon. G refuses to share his reward with the newbie gladiators which doesn't win him any friends among them.

Back in the villa, I love the way Batiatus still sometimes speaks in weird, abbreviated English ('expect late return' etc). It's presumably a way of emulating the brevity of Latin, a language with many fewer words than English in which you can say things much more quickly, and it's brilliant.

Xena's friend provides some drugs for them. Slimy Blonde wants to buy G for the opening games of a new arena, to fight for Not!Octavian's ludus. When Batiatus refuses, he kills his guards and beats him up, then pisses on him for good measure. Meanwhile Xena has a sex scene with her friend (obviously, when she said she wouldn't sleep with another man, she was being particularly literal). End of episode.

Xena's friend Gaia, who you may remember as the original woman in the BBC's con-man drama Hustle. Whether or not it's significant that she's named after the goddess of the earth remains to be seen.

All in all, an excellent start to the prequel series. It's great to see these characters back from the dead - one of the most worrying things about season 2 is that so many of the most colourful characters have been bumped off. Everyone seems a bit more cheerful here (not that this will last, of course) which gives the show a greater energy and prevents it from falling into scenes of characters moping about, as season 1 occasionally did. I'm also really enjoying seeing more of life at the ludus, and being able to sit back and let the story happen without constantly wondering when they're going to rebel - I'm really going to miss the ludus when the main series returns. I just hope they're not planning to keep the colour palette slightly green the entire time, or I'll expect Morpheus to turn up with a red pill (maybe there's just something wrong with my screen!).

Clueless (dir. Amy Heckerling, 1995)

I've mentioned a couple of times, I think, that for some years when I was a teenager, I thought Spartacus' name was Sparatacus, thanks to this movie. This being a rather egregious mistake that continued far longer than it should have done, I thought perhaps it was worth a blog post to itself (also, Clueless is awesome).

For those unfamiliar with the film, Clueless is a mid-ninties teen flick based loosely on Jane Austen's Emma. Me being a teen in the mid-nineties, you can imagine how much I love this movie, though there's more to Clueless than just teen fun. Taking it's central plot from Austen, I actually prefer this movie to the original novel - I find Austen's Emma too overbearing and irritating, whereas Alicia Silverstone somehow manages to make Cher a sympathetic and endearing character. Even more importantly, Cher's initial objection to her friend Thai's crush is not to do with money, but rather the fact that he's high all day every day, which comes across as a lot more reasonable (and he's cleaned up by the end of the film). The film is also hilarious ('My plastic surgeon doesn't want me doing any activity where balls fly at my nose'; 'There goes your social life').

This is a tightly structured film and Cher's mistake concerning the title of Spartacus is not just there for a cheap laugh. Cher is pursuing the new guy at school, Christian, but is unfortuantely completely oblivious to certain facts that mean this will never happen. Christian's declaration that he has a 'thing' for Tony Curtis doesn't clue her in, and nor does his choice of movies for a videofest - Some Like It Hot (about half of which Curtis spends in drag) and Spartacus. We join them during the early part of Spartacus, watching the scene in which Laurence Olivier's Crassus interrogates Curtis' Antoninus, whom he has recently purchased.

Crassus and Antoninus were the participants in another scene that takes place shortly after this one, which was cut from the film's original release but restored in 1991. The scene features Crassus trying to seduce Antoninus while discussing how sexuality is a matter of taste rather than morality via some appropriately sexy metaphors involving shellfish. Just as this scene is coming up, Cher tries to seduce Christian by playing footsie, but he brushes her off saying he wants to watch 'this part - this is good'. To be fair, as a 13-year-old watching the movie, I probably wouldn't have worked out the problem for myself if my best friend hadn't pointed it out to me, but poor Cher really is being very clueless here (especially given Christian's fondness for designer shoes). Her mistake with the name is really a symbol of her total lack of comprehension of the situation in which she's found herself, while the Roman-set film is representative of sexuality, and of Christian's sexuality in particular, which is particularly appropriate given ancient Rome's reputation for orgies and pornography.

It's also worth noting that much of Cher's determination to completely 'make-over' Thai in every respect from clothes to hair to accent to leisure activities has a very Pygmalion-like feel to it. Cher does not fall for Thai and the dialogue compares her efforts to Dr Frankenstein rather than either Pygmalion or his well-known modern counterpart, Professor Higgins, but her obsession with completely re-modelling the girl echoes the Pygmalion story more than the horror - something that's unlikely to be entirely conincidental in a film so full of classical allusions of the non-Greco-Roman variety (including Cher's observation that a book she read noted that 'it is a far, far better thing doing things for other people' and her pretty good knowledge of Hamlet, gained via the Mel Gibson-starring movie version). The clip from Spartacus that we see even refers to Curtis' character teaching children 'the classics'.

Being as clueless a teen as Cher, if not more so, this represented my entire impression of ancient Rome in popular culture for some years, until UK Gold started to repeat I, Claudius! I know better now, but I will forever love this movie for inducing a lifelong fondess for Paul Rudd, introducing the world to a very young (braces-wearing) Turk from Scrubs and for reminding me of a time when taking photos to help yourself choose a dress or phoning someone in the same building on a mobile seemed like such ridiculous things to do that only the super-rich would even contemplate anything of the sort.